12.18.2007

Why I am Sad

My money is tight. My son is going off to college and I don't have enough money to pay for everything. he may have to go to Ft. Lauderdale & stay with my ex. I am gaining weight again. I eat because I am sad &  it is a very yucky cycle. My daughter is going to Florida for Christmas. My mom is coming to visit and she doesn't like doing anything. i still feel lonely in GA. I want to do more for the kids, but is it ever enough? I can't seem 2 keep the house clean enough. My life in Florida was manageable..at least most of the time. I feel so drained sometimes. Maybe this is just my period talking. I just want to get my life here 2 work for me better than it is. This 2 shall pass.

12.08.2007

So pissed

I am so pissed I could scream. I am not sure whether it is hormones or what but every person around me it really on my last nerves. All except my baby son. Let see where do I start. Last night is as good a place as any... It is a Friday night so I should be glad but lately the weekends hold very little meaning to me except I get to sleep past 6am.  My hubby gets to have his cigars , beer, and talk shit with his brother for a few hours. What do I get? Same as always not a damn thing. I get to watch TV by myself, cook the kids some dinner, and handle al the kids. Like I said before nothing different from the weekdays. So he finally comes to bed around 1130pm buzzed and tries to snuggle up against me and passes out.
How I love Fridays.
I wake up this mornin with plans to go and do some things. I go downstairs and the kitchen was not clean.
Ugh...whatever.

12.02.2007

Feeling blah . . .

      I am sitting in my messy bedroom. My kids are watching TV, my DH is out teaching his stepson to drive. The baby is asleep. I should be happy but I feel  very blah. I woke up with a lot of energy and motivation to get stuff done. Well..now I am fighting feeling crappy.
        I was feeling ok until my DH said he was goin go 2 his brothers house 2 hang out. I am not sue why it bothers me so, maybe it is because I dont have any real close friends here yet. We judt moved here in June 2007. Or maybe its is because as a SAHM is spend my time cleaning up after everyone and never seem 2 catch a break & I resent him being able 2 do for himself.  Being a SAHM is very thankless...I guess I never really took how I would feel about that into consideration.
         Plus I am not 2 thrilled with her I look in the mirror. I just wanna cry. I know I jsut had a baby a few months agao but that doesnt stop by feelings.
        I could go on with all the things that I feel are wring with my life but I do not want to be that person. I waan feel joy.  i want to feel good about my life and where I am at. I hop I can shake this feeling really soon.

8.17.2007

How CLB3 Came

       Tuesday was the longest day. We didn't have to be at the hospital until 4p and the c-section was scheduled for 6pm. So Lamar & I went out to breakfast since I wasn't going to be able to eat anything till well after the baby comes. Then we came home & did little stuff to pass the time. I printed out some lists for Lamar and then I rested. Lamar cleaned out the truck, packed the baby stuff in the truck. Maya came home and then we went to pick up the big boys from school. Then we headed to the hospital.   
  
They set us up in Pre-op and the kids waited the surgical waiting room. The hardest part was the epidural. It is a bit painful...but well worth the pain control. I was nervous but excited.
      
They rolled me into the operating room. I got sick on the table because my blood pressure dropped. Once the stabilized and prepped me they allowed Lamar to come in and keep me company.       

Once he was by my side, it was less than 30 minutes before they delivered my Lil Man... Clarence Lamar Bradley III at 6:37pm on Tuesday, August 14, 2007. He weighed 8lbs 1 oz and was 20.5 inches long. His APGAR scores were 9 and 9.        

The recovery hasn't been 2 bad. I was only allowed liquids until Wednesday morning. I kept the epidural in until around 3:30pm the next day. That really helped with pain control. They also took out the Iv, had me up and walking the next day as well.  UGH.  
    
Junior has a great disposition. His cry is sweet 2 my ears. I was solely breast feeding until today. I am supplementing now because I have to stay an extra day cause his jaundice level is too high to go home. He is on light therapy for the entire day. Which as you can imagine made me cry. He can only come out if I am feeding or changing him. They are testing his blood again at 4am Saturday. I would greatly appreciate prayers for his rapid healing and them allowing him 2 go home 2morrow.      

Just wanted to share how it all went down. Thank you for support and prayers yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

7.14.2007

Rough Day

Rough day at the start. I had abdominal pain from 9a-12p. I took a tylenol & spent the entire day in bed. I was pretty freaked out & thought I would end up at the hospital. I am glad 2 say the pain went away. I plan on resting the weekend away. My dear husband is painting the baby's room. I will definitely post pictures when he is finished.

The kids did ok for me just laying in bed. I had some tearful moments about Skyler. He is such a pain as a teenager. I know he is no where as bad as I was bu then again I am not my mom. Lucky for both of us. I feel bad sometimes because there are times I just can't wait 4 him 2 grow up & get outta the house. The will teach him that so much of what I am saying is true.

I got into a strange cleaning mode last night. I cleaned the kitchen and the kids bathroom. Today it is gonna be our bedroom and the office. Throw in the occasional load of laundry. Oh yea...after my scare yesterday I think I will back my hospital bag this weekend as well.

7.10.2007

Perseverance

per·se·ver·ance      [pur-suh-veer-uhns] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
1.steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2.Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

    That was the topic at the church we went to Sunday. All parties enjoyed themselves. I mean me, Lamar , and all the kids found the church to be to their liking. Which was a major blessing. One of the things we really wanted was to get here & find a home church. We believe we have found it. We are going to attend the Wednesday evening service & see if we enjoy it as well. I strongly believe that being spiritually connected will make a huge difference, for the positive, of course, in our life.
    My niece came yesterday. She has gotten so big. She blends in well with the other kids. They all get along. I am very thankful for that. We all went to the $1 movies to see "Wild Hogs". It was a funny movie.  Another prayer that I have is that her visit here is enjoyable & drama free since my DH was not very gung-ho about her coming here.
    My ex got served papers by child support. I guess my request for modification finally went through. Yay. He was not happy, but oh well. It takes more than $240 a month to raise a 10 y.o. I surmise that Skyler's bio-dad got served as well. I wonder was is going to happen. He wants her to come back to Florida for 10 days, but I am not sure if that is a good idea. I really want her to be here a little longer.
    Then I got a weird phone call this a.m. from my ex. He told me he was taking himself to the hospital for high blood pressure. Not sure why he called me. I just told him to call us when he leaves. It is probably stress. But life can be stressful.
    No major plans today. Taking the kids to the pool. Getting paperwork in order. Getting things ready for the baby all while being a good hostess to the kids. I think 2morrow I will take the kids to World of Coca-Cola. Hopefully a good time will be had by all. Gotta run for now. Ta- ta.....

7.07.2007

Lucky me . Ha. Ha.

        Today was probably more like a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. That is because my friend, Tamika, stopped over. Then we went to the IKEA store. I had never been there before. It was really nice to get out of the house & be with a grown up. I wonder if Lamar realized how much work having all 5 kids is. I doubt it though. I didn't get much done around the house today but where is the mess gonna go....? It is not like any1 else is actually gonna pick up anything more than the minimum. Ha Ha Ha.        
The phones calls from my girlfriends back home has made me feel much better. I feel really blessed 2 have such great women in my life.      

Hopefully tomorrow Lamar will put the dressed 2gthr and then I can work on the babies room. I would at least like to be able to hang up his clothes.  Oh well....

7.06.2007

Reflections

    My emotions go up & down. I wonder how much f it is my hormones from being pregnant and how much is the new situation plus all these kids. I have been especially weepy lately. I just want every1 to be happy & get along. I am doing the best I can...but I am not sure if it is enough.     My doctors appointment went good. The baby is fine. My blood pressure was good 100/60. My weight was still 220lbs. I have only gained 13 lbs. The baby's heartbeat was 138 bpm. The doctor was talking a tentative c-section date of August 16th. She doesn't wanna do the c-section any sooner than that because the baby's lungs may not be fully developed.    

Lamar & I were able to sneak away and get some things for the baby. The parts for the crib should be here soon. The room is still being occupied by one of my stepsons. Lamar doesn't want him 2 feel pushed out so I haven't been able to set up the baby's room. I guess my frustration with that is obvious, huh.    

My niece is suppose to come visit next week. Lamar didn't want her 2 come because she is the niece of my ex. We disagree on it, but she is coming. My family is small I love her very much. I think he is being selfish by not feeling comfortable with her here. Especially because he only reason is because of my ex. I am not even telling my ex that she is here. It is none of his business. I do get irritated because it is ok for me to do all that I am doing for him, his kids, and his brother coming to stay here for a month or so...but my innocent niece who is 15 is an issue. I  feel like I am sacrificing so much this summer, but he doesn't see things the way that I do.        

Did I mention he wants to be able to take the kids to Alabama to visit his parents cause he told them he would? How he is gonna pull that off...I don't know. How could he leave me for a few days at a time in city where I know practically no1 and I am 33 plus weeks pregnant?  Did I mention..I have yet to meet his parents?    

Sometimes I really nice miss my old life back home. I know this move is for the best & this is where the Lord wants me or I wouldn't be here. However...I guess I never thought that it would be so hard. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought I was. Enough complaining outta me right now. I am goin try 2 go back 2 sleep.

Average

"Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before." Philippians 3:13

This quote came in my email. I can't worry about what I have done in the past.  I can only look to the present and the future & try to do the best job I can with my life and my children.

Today was on ok day. On a scale of 1 to 10 .. I would give today a 6. The kids didn't bicker too much. We went to the mall so they were happy 2 b outta the house. They R much nicer when I am doin for them. I guess they are typical selfish kids.

Oh yea... my niece comes to visit on Monday. Lamar has issues with it because he doesn't wanna hear a bunch of conversations about my ex. I will talk with her about it. It should be fine. I am tryong 2 hide my irritation with the whole topic.

7.03.2007

OK

Today was a productive day. I ran errands with the kids. They were well-behaved... so from that perspective I can't complain.
       I woke up last night at 3am and did not manage to go back to sleep til like 445am. My mind was racing about stuff with the baby. I am getting concerned that we are not as ready as we need to be. I have so much to do & it is keeping me from sleeping. Hopefully tomorrow I can get some stuff for my baby done. It is hard doing for all the kids and not having much time for myself more or less time 2 prepare for a brand new baby. It is like my life is no my own right now. I know the sacrifice is not about me, but about the kids. However, this time being pregnant and all it would be great to feel like this is more about me than them
         I  will be glad when the chaos of this summer ends. I know the kids are having fun, but it is so hard on me sometime. I wish I had this time more 2 myself. I am thinking about sending Skyler to Ft. Lauderdale on a greyhound bus so he could have some fun with his old friends. I am goin pray about it & make a decision. 
          On a positive note, I think I am doing a good job with managing the house in decent shape especially considering there are 7 people in the house.

6.30.2007

UP AND DOWN

Life has its ups &downs. We all come 2 every interaction with our own issues, needs, priorities, etc.      This week was faster than the first full week. I am not sure if it was a better week, though. I just feel real exhausted & my plate is so full. It is really difficult at times & really fun at times. I guess it is unrealistic of me to just expect us to live like the Cosby's or even the Brady bunch.      Having Maya back is good, but challenging. She isn't used to how everything has been goin. Then throw in the rivalry between her &Skyler ; it is a recipe for major stress.  Sometimes when i see how they behave I feel like I have really screwed up as a parent.  I can't do anything about what I did in the past...I can only improve what I am doin now. It isn't easy. I feel the need to pray often...maybe thats the point.    Oh well... gotta run...housework calls... UGH

6.16.2007

vent small

Things with me are OK. The baby is fine & i finally have an appt w/ an ob/gyn here in Atlanta. The house is so-so. I have the major rooms pretty much in order.  I am feeling kinda down because with all the kids I haven't had anytime to work on the baby's room. Especially because my youngest DSS is sleeping in there.  guess having all 5 kids is wearing on me more than I thought it would.....especially with me being pregnant. They are here 3 more weeks and then my BIL is coming to stay with us for a month or so. I feel like I can't catch a break. I just want some peace & tranquility and to not feel like a maid, babysitter, and cook. What is most frustrating is that I feel like my DH isn't giving me the attention i need at this point in my pregnancy. I mean how can he when he has 3 kids...2 of which really demand/enjoy his time. I know the kids being here this long means a lot to him, but it is really wearing me down.  Anyway....I just needed 2 vent & thanks for listening.

5.28.2007

Well...we arrived back from Atlanta with a house & a job offer that could have us moving in like 3 weeks. To say the least ... there is so much to do.

5.20.2007

Adjusting

          It has been a week since we got here. I am still unsure about everything. I think the argument between the boys yesterday made me question this move. I want everyone 2 get along & enjoy themselves. Maybe that is too much 2 ask 4 too soon. I know that I only have 1 more year with my oldest child & I want him near me. I hope I am not being selfish. I also know I didn't like how much he was gone from the house when we were back home in Florida. So I am more confused than ever. I wish school was starting because then he would be meeting more people and not be stuck in the house. My husband new kids kinda stick together and I do not like him, my oldest, just sitting around in his room watching Tv all day. I am trying 2 plan activities for the kids & hopefully that will give us more time 2gthr. Maya comes home in a week and I am glad. I  miss her like crazy. I know the time she spends with her dad was good, but I still miss her.

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