7.31.2008

How can...

.....you love someone so much bu not wanna be around them?
....you be treated so well one moment and be treated so poorly the next?
....say you love me but not take my needs as valued as your own...?
...ignore problems when hat does not make them get any better or go away?

I guess it is easy to see that Lamar has managed to get on my nerves again. I wish we could go more than a few days without me gettng upset, disappointed or pissed off at him. I may be pregnant and hormonal but he is till wrong about so much stuff. He has no idea how this taints my feelings for him.

Today I told him that I wanted to start taking 1 morning during the week for myself. He asked as if i wanted to sacrifice or son to wolves. He is being totally unreasonable.

7.05.2008

update


Not much goin on with me. I am doing well. We has an ultrasound on June27th. Tootsie Roll has its legs crossed & so we still do not know what we are having. Ugh. Such is life. My son is still working and getting more & more excited about college.

My DD is away with her dad in Florida.
My 2 step kids are here and then there is '3'. He is wonderful. He is a bundle of both joy & energy. I still can't believe that he is walking already.  Where did the time go. Money is tght on our end and I just try to keep my spirits up. Other than that I am doing ok. 

6.20.2008

thankful

I am glad it is Friday. No major plans this weekend for me. I want to go over my bills but I hate how money is tight. I will b so glad when the FL house sells. Life with definitely get easier. I have been feeling pretty decent and I am thankful for that. The girls only have camp for one more week. Glad that will be over as well. I drive a minimum of 80 miles day just taking her to and from camp. UGH. All is well.

6.15.2008

Sometimes (mom confession)

Sometimes I really hate my kids.
But is it more that I hate myself.
As how they behave is a reflection of me.
They still bicker and argue so much...so unnecessarily.
It breaks my heart.
I try to be a good parent.
I try to do what I think is best and what is right.
I guess that I equate being a good parent to having good kids.
Sometimes I feel like I did a good job and other times I feel like a complete failure.
I want to blame my ex husband but I was not an absent party.
I know each kid is different and you raise them differently.
I never wanted my kids to hate each other and despite my efforts over the last few years they still seem to have such hatred for each other.
My oldest is the more hateful of the two.
He feels she got so much better treatment than his younger sister.
His life wasn't so rough, but he got beatings and she didn't.
And now she gets calls and gifts from my ex and he doesn't.
I never meant for him to not have a father.
That was the one thing I didn't want for him.
I know how much it sucks to not have one.
Yet I failed miserably....
People say that things will get better with time...but how much time that's what I want to know.
My son leaves for college in 2 months.
Is it too much to ask for peace between them until he goes?
According to their actions today I guess the answer to that question is
I will keep trying to do what is right and pray things get better.
I sure do not want them to get worse.
My heart can't take it.

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