6.20.2008

thankful

I am glad it is Friday. No major plans this weekend for me. I want to go over my bills but I hate how money is tight. I will b so glad when the FL house sells. Life with definitely get easier. I have been feeling pretty decent and I am thankful for that. The girls only have camp for one more week. Glad that will be over as well. I drive a minimum of 80 miles day just taking her to and from camp. UGH. All is well.

6.15.2008

Sometimes (mom confession)

Sometimes I really hate my kids.
But is it more that I hate myself.
As how they behave is a reflection of me.
They still bicker and argue so much...so unnecessarily.
It breaks my heart.
I try to be a good parent.
I try to do what I think is best and what is right.
I guess that I equate being a good parent to having good kids.
Sometimes I feel like I did a good job and other times I feel like a complete failure.
I want to blame my ex husband but I was not an absent party.
I know each kid is different and you raise them differently.
I never wanted my kids to hate each other and despite my efforts over the last few years they still seem to have such hatred for each other.
My oldest is the more hateful of the two.
He feels she got so much better treatment than his younger sister.
His life wasn't so rough, but he got beatings and she didn't.
And now she gets calls and gifts from my ex and he doesn't.
I never meant for him to not have a father.
That was the one thing I didn't want for him.
I know how much it sucks to not have one.
Yet I failed miserably....
People say that things will get better with time...but how much time that's what I want to know.
My son leaves for college in 2 months.
Is it too much to ask for peace between them until he goes?
According to their actions today I guess the answer to that question is
I will keep trying to do what is right and pray things get better.
I sure do not want them to get worse.
My heart can't take it.

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